Stone was three days old. Craig was at work, and it was around bed time. Adelyn was already crabby and I was changing Stone’s diaper and outfit. Being a newborn, he does not like this. Adelyn was hanging on the changing table trying to climb up it. Stone started crying, Adelyn started crying (for some reason, every time he lets out one of those newborn cry’s, it scares her and she screams). Adelyn starts pulling at my clothes, rocking the changing table, screaming. Stone is crying. I need to get his diaper back on before he pee’s on his freshly put on clothes. I say “Adelyn, he’s ok. You did nothing wrong. He’s just talking.” Finally get his diaper on while she’s replying with “MOMMYYYYYYYYYYYY MOMMMMYYYYYYYYYYY'” as she’s yanking at me at me with one hand and pushing the changing table with the other. Stone is still crying that newborn cry. Something in me snapped. I screamed “STOP CRYING. JUST STOP. THERE IS NO REASON FOR IT”. (I never YELL. NEVER have I lost my temper and screamed at Adelyn. I get stern, my voice may get loud.. but I’ve never screamed.) Her eyes doubled in tears and I could tell I hurt her feelings. I stopped in shock, lost in her tear-filled eyes and just broke-down. I sat on the floor, grabbed my baby girl in a big bear hug, held her as close to my heart as possible and rocked her… sobbing telling her how much I love her, how perfect she is and how sorry I was that I lost my temper. (I’m crying now.. lol) The transition from being a mom of one to a mom of two has definitely been a transition for me. Craig works nights, so he sleeps all day, then works all night. (when he’s awake.. he’s a huge help with Adelyn, making her feel special and not left out. yesterday he took her out to play in the snow. but he’s only up for an hour or two before work.. and in that time he needs to shower and eat and somewhat relax before going in) And all our family is over 500 miles away. The incident above was my first emotional break down and I’ve had a few since… just moments where I can’t stop crying because there isn’t enough time in the day to spend with the both of them.
Yesterday, Craig found me sitting on Adelyn’s floor sobbing. (I went in there to pretend I was playing with her, so he didn’t see my crying for no reason) He was so confused, but he got down and hugged me and kissed my forehead and told me I was a great mom. ::love::
Before I go to bed my mind races, thinking about all the things I should have done with Adelyn through out the day, or how I should have handled her tantrum differently. Or how I held Adelyn more as a newborn than I do Stone.
Yesterday was better. And today has been even better. I’m starting to get a routine down and get into the swing of things.