neglect. inspire. self-doubt.

Neglect.

You know that whole "pick one word instead of making a new years resolution.. blah blah" going on. Well... if I had to pick one word for 2012, it would be neglect. I've neglected this little place, and tons of other things in life. Pregnancy really took a toll on me this time around (physically and emotionally), I used it as an excuse to stop blogging. I was always coming up with excuses. I'm too tired (which I really was), I'll do it tomorrow. I have dozens of posts that I neglected to hit publish on, because "who wants to read that".

I planned on writing a post this evening. Not anything particular, just knew I should write one. I put it off. Once again. Then I read this post from Heather. It was meant to be. I saw her photo on Instagram, with  the ole "New Post: link in profile" and failed to click on the link. I'll read it tomorrow I thought. Then I checked IG again, and again. And something told me to click her link. It was meant for me.



My word for 2013: INSPIRE.
That is all.

2012 brought many blessings. Some were in disguise though. I found out I was pregnant early in the year.... and while most jump up and down with excitement, I did not. Which left me with a lot of guilt. So many women pray to have those two pink lines, yet it made me.... sad. I didn't want to have another child at the time. (I finally said it) Those feelings made me retreat from sharing my life. I couldn't understand them. I love kids, I love my kids, I love being a mom, yet I couldn't shake the disappointment I felt. Not only in the positive pregnancy test, but the disappointment in myself for my disappointment. Adelyn was unplanned, but I was still very excited. Stone we had tried and tried for months and I was beyond ecstatic, yet this time, my tears were sad ones. I couldn't share those feelings with anyone but a select few. They said that it would change, that the further a long I got in the pregnancy, I'd get that excitement. That once I saw him for the first time, I would feel that motherly feeling. But I didn't really believe them. Which left me feeling more anxious. Worried that my heart was too full, that I couldn't possibly love the way I do with my other two.
Everyone congratulating. Asking how you feel about it. Are you excited. What are you suppose to say? No, I am not, I do not want this pregnancy. It's what I thought, but how in the world would anyone understand those words?
They were right. The ones who I was able to share my dark secret with. The further I got in the pregnancy, the more real it became, the more the anxiety lifted and joy filled in. The moment I saw him, my heart grew, for a third time. I couldn't imagine life with out him in it.
I still deal with guilt. Sometimes when I look at Abel, I wonder how I could have ever thought I didn't want him. How could I look at 2 pink lines and not be happy. Those two pink lines are him, Abel Cash.



Late at night, when I let those thoughts creep in, I look at him and cry. I hope he never feels unwanted. I wanted him, I just didn't know it at the time. I hope my love radiates  into his soul.