Five things to Note before Toddlerhood.

ONE. Don't walk through the peanut isle. I learned this the hard way. For the duration of our shopping trip, the only thing I heard (as did the whole store for that matter) was
"I love penis" "I want penis" or "Mom, can I have some penis?" 
Yes sweetheart, you can have some penis, PEANUTS if you will just STOP talking!!!



TWO. Don't give your child a sippy cup of apple juice. ALWAYS water it down. If you do not water it down, you will have, what a friend of mine calls Apple Bombs. It's worse than it sounds. Your child will pretty much pee shit out of his ass. FYI: It smells like roses and is a dream to clean up.

THREE. When picking up the tornado mess of toys, always pay attention to where you're tossing them. Like... never just get pissed off (because it's the 109834098 time you've picked up that toy)  and toss it behind your back. Craig learned the the hard way, when he chucked a toy over his shoulder towards the hallway and clocked Adelyn square in the chin. This was a fun topic to discuss the following day at Ballet.
"I have a booboo, seeeeeeeeeeee. My dad was angry and threw a toy at my face."
I got some amazing looks and those half-ass holy-shit smiles. My name was immediately scratched off the Playdates list
I think Craig missed his calling as a pitcher. 



FOUR. Note that the word knuckles sounds a lot like a really racist word when coming out of a toddlers mouth (at least my toddlers mouth). Try to refrain from giving your 2 yo knuckles in front of anyone in public. Especially an African-American family strolling through the park.

FIVE.  Caillou is a little bastard! If you let your kids watch him, they will immediately turn into little assholes. Consider yourself warned.

Have any funny toddler stories?! I love a good laugh ;)

Extra Tip: Never leave your phone on speaker, unattended while on hold!!

((current wait time 27 minutes))
Me: OK, I can do that, I'll just put it on speaker.
Adelyn: What's that noise?
Me: It's the phone, I'm on hold, don't touch it.
Adelyn, But who is it?
Me: It's no one, I'm on hold, don't touch it.
Adelyn: But what's that noise?
Me: GAH. Don't worry about. Just don't touch the phone.
...26 minutes later... (literally 26 minutes later!):
Adelyn: But what's that noise.
Me: IT'S THE PHONE, FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME. DON'T TOUCH IT.
I go into the other room and 2.5 seconds later I don't hear the noise.
I walk back into the kitchen to find Adelyn smiling.
Adelyn: I pressed end for you. I don't like that noise.
Me: (laughing hysterically to keep from crying... or strangling her!)

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